Do I Matter?

There have been times in my life that I didn't quite feel like I really belong. I mean I always had great family and wonderful friends around, but I didn't quite feel the positive self worth all the time. I struggled with the question, "Am I good enough?" because no matter how much I accomplished in my life, I never felt like it was good enough because in some way..I really didn't deserve it.

I wasn't able to really see GOD's purpose in my life. There were times in which I wondered, "Do I matter? and Did GOD really give me purpose? All throughout high school, college and graduate school, I struggled with those feelings of insecurities. I allowed the words, reactions of folks dictate how I felt about myself. I held others' opinions about myself above my own.

In the gospel song, 'Through it All' by Andre Crouch there is a verse that says, 'I've been a lot of places and I've seen millions of faces but there were times when I felt so all alone.' I can really relate to that song because I can be active and surround myself around many people but there is no loneliness like the loneliness you feel when you're in a place in which you should feel connected but you are disconnected. To be invisible to people is the worse kind of loneliness...

I'm a shy person by nature. I have and will always be that. I am guilty of using my shyness as an excuse to why I have sat on my talents and abilities in the past. The truth of the matter was.... I cared too much about how others will perceive me. I kept quiet throughout my school years because I feared the rejection of others. In a crowded room, I have felt sooo alone.

Now, don't get me twisted. I'm not talking about being visible for the sake of popularity. That was never a need for me-but being visible so that you felt like you mattered to folks. To know when you leave this world, you left a lasting and rich legacy- that your living made a difference in someone's life.
Naw, I wasn't looking for megastar status. I just wanted to be seen in a room filled with people.
To be visible...

Well, I learned that before I can really belong and become visible to others, I must learn how to be content and satisfied in being just Carolyn (flaws and all). I must learn how to love myself more than others could ever love me. It wasn't fair or right to expect someone to complete me or make me feel good about being myself. See, I finally realized...
I matter because I matter to me. I depend on me when I can't depend on others...That's a great thing!
Yes I matter and I have a purpose divinely orchestrated by GOD...

Having the approval of others isn't something I need. The affirmations are nice but they don't make me who I am.  It is what I think and know about myself that matters the most. I think living teaches you that.

Naw, the world still doesn't revolve around me but I know I'm an "Original C"and there will never be another Carolyn like me..... Never ever
I matter.
You matter..

~Cy~